Follow Through

For years I knew God had put a story on my heart. I knew who I wanted my main character to be and I knew the general gist of the storyline, random points of climax with fuzzy details in between. When I was asked about a dream I hoped to achieve in my lifetime, I often said, “I want to write a book!” But for years I never put pen to paper. The thought of doing so almost wore the luster off the idea of being an author in my mind. How would I begin? If I didn’t start the ‘right’ way, all would be lost! Looking back on it now, I know the reason I kept putting off my dream. I was afraid of failure.

Perhaps more than being afraid of failure, I was afraid of the ensuing consequences of being a said failure. What would it mean about me if I wrote something I thought was good, only to find out nobody else liked it? Telling people I had the intention to write a book one day sounded great and impressive but...hollow when I never actually sat down to do it.

When a major life change came our way, my husband and I decided that now was the time for me to give this dream a shot. Or at least, my wise husband did. God blessed me with a husband who has a keen sense of discernment. He knew the real reason holding me back from writing before I did and urged me to take this opportunity to fulfill my dream. To treat writing like a job and get serious about it. Suddenly I was out of excuses. I stood at the starting line of a race I’d always wanted to run. I started getting excited. I pictured myself holding a beautifully covered novel, signing books, speaking at events. With these visions in mind I sat down at my Mac one morning and hit ‘go’ on my stopwatch, the closest thing I had to ‘clocking in.’ My intention was to write for eight hours. If I was treating this like a job and giving it my utmost effort, that was the thing to do, right? I had no outline, I literally just started writing.

Two hours in I was mentally exhausted. I know some people can write in coffee shops or listen to music in the background and be incredibly productive but that’s not me. When I write I need silence. Which is a bummer because I love the romantic idea of writing a bestseller in a coffee shop while drinking a mocha. But it just doesn’t work for me. Anyway. I had typed for two hours and I felt pretty good about what I had on paper, but my brain was worn out. I stared out the window and wondered how I was going to fill six more hours with productive writing when I felt creatively wrung out. It felt as though my fear of being a failure was already becoming a reality.

So what happened? Ultimately I finished that novel several months later (this time period included several teary breakdowns in which I insisted ‘I can’t do this’ and my husband reminded me I could). Halfway through I realized I really needed an outline and wrote one. After that day of trying to write for eight hours, I realized that was an impossible goal. For me at least. My sweet spot used to be two to four hours of writing a day. Any more than that, and I noticed that the quality of my writing went downhill. Now I squeeze in writing between my infant son’s nap times. I’m learning that the practice of writing is a fluid thing-ebbing and flowing with seasons of life. I brew myself a cup of coffee for that ‘I’m not at a coffee shop but this is as close as I can get’ feeling, but usually it gets cold before I drink it. My book is finished and finally published (hooray!), I haven’t done any book signing events (unless you count the ones I’ve signed at my dining room table), and no one has asked me to speak at their event. In the midst of the process, I sent my book to some friends for their feedback and while most of them said nice things, some didn’t like every part of the book. Yikes, that must have triggered my fear of failure, right? Well yes and no. Yes, I would be happy if everyone who picked up my book loved it! And yes, it stings a little when someone tells me they don’t like a certain part. But it’s impossible that every person would connect with the story, and if I’m being honest, I appreciate their input! It’s cliche, but without constructive criticism, it would be impossible for me to grow as a writer. So I’m doing my best to take all the feedback and sort through it.

But here’s the biggest thing...I wrote a book. God told me to write a story and I wrote it. Perhaps this has been the biggest take-away for me from this entire process. At the end of the day, regardless of whether everyone likes it, I followed through. So when God puts something on your heart (and I believe everyone has something...even if you have to pray for Him to show it to you) believe that He will give you the resources to do it! That first step is scary, but I promise you, you will learn so much and He will be with you every step of the way. When you’re listening to His voice you can’t fail.